SUICIDE REVISITED

Email to Chaplain working in the area of suicide prevention

Have you all been able to determine from research much about the increase in the suicide rate? I have been in several discussions which seem to focus on the trend increasing related to those who enlist, i.e. those from the lower categories seem to have fewer life skills to cope or seek help. In a conversation with a CH at the Fort Jackson hospital, there seems to be fewer in the psy ward with the summer enlistees who are mostly high school graduates than later in the year when the recruiters are enlisting whoever they can sign up. I know this may be only one of the factors added to repeated deployments, single parent families, etc. How does the Army rate compare to the Air Force and Navy? I’m interested in any general thoughts. TC

The following is from a chaplain that is working in the agency responsible for developing programs, etc. for suicide prevention. He is confirming some of the discussions I have been having, starting with chaplains in Italy and Germany, and then continued with you all and chaplains at Ft Jackson. tc

Thanks for the interest in this area. As you can imagine there is a whirwind of activity around this topic right now. The observation of high school vs. later year enlistees is in fact reliable, although some will try to explain it away through other factors. The Army rate is the highest among the services and a concerted effort of Army and DoD agencies is finally beginning to develop and rely upon statistical analysis and measurements to get a broader and at the same time more specific handle on this entire phenomena. Although the stress remains high for Families and Soldiers, many suicides are occuring with Soldiers who have never deployed. This begs the question of what additional factors - rather than the immediate focus of deployment - contribute to suicidal ideation, attempts and completions. Actually, as morbid as it sounds, it is a fascinating subject.

For instance, we have wrestled with the idea of the decline in the importance of the Church as an institution to condemn suicide as a means of ending ones own life and/or pain. Rather, culturally it seems we have quasi-adopted the stoic warrior mentality, thus being more accepting of suicide.

I just completed reading a book by Thomas Joiner entitled, "Why People Die by Suicide", (Harvard Univ Press). Some very current research and theory on this topic. Absolutely riveting discussion regarding burdensomeness and feeling valued/loved as indicators or warning signs of increased risk of death by suicide.

Sorry for going on, but a very compelling and interesting research area, in addition to developing methods to save lives.

I didn't quite understand from your chaplain, was he saying that young high sch enlistees with less a value system were more likely to take their own lives than an older more seasoned soldier. So, if soldiers are committing suicide apart from the stresses of deployments, etc., this means they are bringing this into the service with them . Consequently, we/rexruiters are not catching or seeing this before they get in or they are and are choosing to ignore.

I'm going to order the book he mentioned. In terms of discussion, I can't help but contrast the breast cancer survivors that I've been volunteering by driving them to treatment and their attitudes. They will do almost anything to survive; suffer any pain, indignity and yet here are these youngsters, lives ahead of them and they do themselves in.

I think that my theory might be just as good as any now that I'm thinking about it. However, although the military would not adopt it as they always want an answer or take the Marine philosophy, a two day class, problem solved. But, I believe that most who take their lives momentarily go crazy. They are walking across the GG Bridge and suddenly get the impulse to jump. Their lives are not where they want it to be. Money problems, wife or family difficulties, whatever, they lose it, they jump. And unfortunately, if they are successful in their attempt, there is no turning back. GusDavis Aughtry







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SUICIDE AMONG THE TROOPS

I have talked to a few of our chaplains concerning the suicide increase. In summary, most attribute it to the following….not necessarily in order

1) Post-war traumatic Stress

2) Break down in family relationships. (Divorce among military Married Couples is at an all time high

3) Too many “hardship” tours

4) Overwork/stress/lack of sleep dpp



Dave, this is good. Thanks. It is interesting to me whether the calibers of the Volunteer Army has anything to do with it. The stuff I read indicates that for those who are prone to suicide, the more emotionally sophisticated they are, the quicker they will seek help. Many who take their lives probably do so because of some or all of the reasons you mentioned, yet if they don't seek help, is it because they are less emotionally sophisticated, i. e., possibly come from lower socio economic classes ( which is the elephant in the room that we never talk about).

When we had a draft army, mixed in with the kids from all walks of life were doctors and lawyers and Indian chiefs sons. Now, they are not there, I don't think or are they? gda

I wouldn’t doubt that there is truth to what you say. The problem is…it is not measurable and very difficult to identify. I would suspect another factor is the lack of a faith commitment. The highest percentage of enlistees are non-churches…so say the chaplains. Having said that there are a significant number who are coming to faith in Christ, attending Bible Studies, etc. Also, the troops seem to be doing a fantastic job, highly motivated, etc. dpp

EMAIL EXCHANGE

ARE THEY UP TO THE TASK. A very belated, but heartfelt Happy New Year to you. Do so hope 2009 will be better than the past year, and yes, I agree we have always been a resilient people who seem to always be able to survive adversity and claw our way back up. Somehow, I am a little unsure about this generation having the backbone to sacrifice what it takes for the good of all, but surely pray I am wrong. Are we as strong as the "Greatest Generation"? Guess we'll find out. Oh well, inauguration was great: a new beginning, and hope again is evident everywhere, so we will all support our new president and his administration with our prayers and best wishes and thoughts - they will surely need them.

Your Dad was right about those who mess with the Jews, they will ultimately get zapped! But like you, this latest conflict has been heart wrenching to watch. At least there seems to be a cease fire for now, but we all know that will not last. The Jews are so despised by the Arab world, and Israel does have every right to defend themselves, so even though the whole situation appears hopeless right now, there will come a day when your Dad's prophecy will be fulfilled, because it comes right out of God's Word! bbc


What a mess, on every hand. And, we have to hope the new President is doing the right thing, mainly that he is doing something which has to happen. We have to get people back to work. I am often in the fog. For instance, if a company says it is not doing well, what it looks to me, they just aren't making as much profit. So...they are paying their bills, breaking even, people are working. So, what is the big deal? I relate it to a doctor buddy of mine who was griping about the economy recently. He went to easily making from a half million down to $200,000; his idea was because of the government, HMOs, etc., private doctors could no longer make the big money. So...2 hundred thousand didn't sound so bad to me. See what I mean, I can't get it.

I have debated my Dad's philosophy a good bit. His greater one was "to always do what is right," and truly that is no small thing. Personally, I think it is one of those problems like immigration, insoluable. Simply, can't be done. The politicians and "talking heads" never talk in those terms but until Jesus comes again, have to do the best we can. Last Sunday night's Sixty Minutes carried a piece of the settlers living in the West Bank and how in a sense, they abused the Palestinians. Now, that is an example of my Dad's "doing what is right" is involved. Oh well...ja

IN MEMORIUM--Kay Yow

My brother, Raz's, first coaching job was in Gibsonville, N. C. In fact, I remember it quite well. My brother is thirteen years older than me and I was in the 6th grade. I went to live with him and his wife, Ireni, for most of a school year. My Mom had gotten really sick and so it seemed to be the best option for me to be assured that I toe the mark and do what I needed to do. It was a good time, even if I did occasionally chafe under the discipline. And, from this aged perspective, what a wonderful charitable act theirs was.

And, while in Gibsonville, a youngster just a few years younger than me was already a budding athlete, Kay Yow. My Brother recognized early on, how super she was and in the parlance of today's speech, became her mentor. She died a couple of days ago. Kay, having gone on to achieve all kinds of honors in her sport, Olympic gold metal, successful coaching career; but, maybe her greatest success was in living for over twenty years with breast cancer. I think I read somewhere where she was in remission for half of her time. Good for her. Eventually, however, she had no choice, the insidious disease took her.

Below is an email, my sister-in-law forwarded with a wonderful link of Kay's testimony to her faith. I know my brother is very sad but without sounding too much like a know it all preacher, she truly is in a better place and the suffering is at an end.
jda

Hello, all --

Many of you know about the death of Kay Yow. When I was in college, I would go to FCA meetings with Amy in the hopes that Kay Yow would be there. When famous folks die, we usually don't know the status of their spiritual condition but I have no doubt -- from the many testimonies about her faith and my own personal take of what we knew of her -- that today she is cancer-free and in the presence of the Lord. I wanted to see if her personal testimony was published somewhere online -- especially as public as she was with her faith and I found it. I thought you guys might also be interested in reading it...it certainly was an encouragement to me. The YouTube clip on the side of the page is also an encouragement as she talks about success from a Biblical perspective if you have 5+ minutes to watch it. K and K Hilliard

http://www.beyondtheultimate.org/athletes/Kay-Yow.aspx

PRAYER

There's a saying among preachers, "He who prays much in private, prays little in public, " I don't think Rick Warren and Reverend Lowery got that at the Inauguration. Reverend Lowery gets a "pass." He was there in the beginning with MLK. Based on the historic event of a new President who happens to be African American and the good Reverend's age, he is authorized to be and say what he wants. Personally, I kind of liked the ending of his prayer, the sing song way of it. There's a name for it, mostly originating in the South, "Whoop," a kind of cadence, a sort of poetry of preaching. MLK used it almost always and definitely in his, "I Have A Dream" speech.

Now, Rick Warren is another story. His prayer bordered on egomania. I was fearful that his prayer was going to be longer than the Inaugural address. It came close. To be honest, nobody would have expected a "quickee" prayer but come on, Warren was over the top. And, what is it with us Evangelicals (My Church is the Evangelical Presbyterian Church and my Presbytery is in Denver) that insist on praying In Jesus Name. It is like some mantra that we must do in public to proclaim our allegiance. For our churches, this may be OK but for a world stage, this simply reinforces often what many believe: that we are bigots and exclusive at worse and at best, egomaniacs. Well Warren confirmed it. I don't get it and never will. Next case.

What are your thoughts on this, Chaps.  I am in favor of ending “don’t ask, don’t tell.”  My gay friends pay their taxes, serve the community, etc.   Most of us are old enough to remember the predictions that integrating the military services would bring chaos.  Didn’t happen.  Just require the same discipline of gays as we do of heteros. 

MY THOUGHTS

Lamar, I take a little different tack. For instance, if gays want to marry, no sweat. I voted NO on Prop 8 which really was a "yes" that they could marry. As a Bible thumper, there's simply not enough Biblical admonition against it and, of course, Lesbians get a pass. But, love is all over the New Testament and I can't imagine Jesus being less than accepting. But, then again, the very word, marriage, traditionally connotes a union between man and woman. This sounds like double talk and so have to say for me, in light of many thing, if they want to marry, fine with me. I liked the civil union idea. And, I admit some homophobia. I get a little tired, especially here, of pandering to the gays. And, constantly have to clean up my language in reverting to NC talk and saying "fruits" etc. I do have several gay friends. Well, acquaintances but my"girlfriends" as Jackie calls them and they are a typical bunch of old farts who deride gays and my language is generous compared to what they would say. 

The military is another story. I like the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. Mainly, it allows gays to serve without having to put up with the homophobia of the soldier. And, let's keep in mind, the military is designed to fight and win wars. It is not a social organization. And, openly having gays, especially in combat units, will create trouble and take away from the mission, I think. I know that other countries have successfully integrated gays but they are not combat oriented as we are, I don't believe anyway.  I just think it takes away from the mission. But, I also think that since we have a Volunteer Army, there's a difference too. It could be part of the "contract. " When they sign up, they accept the idea that gays will be serving alongside them. Will it solve the problem? No, just as integrating the military has not done away with racism, doing away with "don't ask, don't tell" is not going to do away with gay bashing. 

I think the new president will end, "don't ask, don't tell" but I think it is a mistake. So, there you have it. 

Jerry

HEALING AND LIFE

Chaps, we are having our 3rd service of anointing and laying on of hands for the sick this coming Sunday. The service has been remarkably well received.

RESPONSE

My real feelings are that the oil and laying on of hands is not going to hurt. If it comforts someone, super. If, however, you claim this literally does something, hmmmmm. Making God too much in our lives reduces Him/Her to arbitrary, i. e., who should be healed. Too much of a problem.

If I were back with a congregation now and thank the Lord, I'm not, I would be wanting them to deal with the Gaza conflict, the Biblical interpretation of all of this, i. e., did God really give the Jews this land? And, how literal can we deal with the Old Testament with the Christian idea that God will always do what is right.

Also, My experience as a pastor was that few Christians were willing to probe the greater truths but rather opted for very surface stuff. Maybe what you see you are doing is trying to move them to greater depths. More power to you. Power in the blood. God bless you in your ministry.

This is just feedback and opinion. You are out there in the "arena" fighting away and I affirm you for it.

It does something, Jerry!  At our first such service I asked Merle to anoint and lay hands on me for the anger I have held against Alan for ruining his life.  Grew to almost hate him.  I am at peace with that now.  What was it, the oil and hands, or me naming my problem and seeking God’s grace.

 

We do this only after we have prepared the folks.  It is low key.  I tell the folks that God’s word won’t return void, that no obedience to God will ever be wasted, however they must understand that God will give them what he knows they need.

 

Example, the friend who had her nurse call asking me to talk with her husband and help him to let her go.  I stood on one side of her bed and Dave stood on the other.  I felt in my spirit that I needed to tell her that she would have to accept whatever God gave (Dave was listening intently), that he would give something.  Later, I realized that the grace God gave was to Dave, helping him come to peace about her going.  Yes, I believe that it is real.  What we do is not Oral Roberts, but we reach the point of anointing after hymns and liturgy lead us to the point of faith.  It is working, Jerry.  With my Pentecostal background I have shunned such things, but it is in the Bible.  This UCC congregation and co-pastor are seeing good things happen and asking that this service be quarterly.  And our adult Bible teacher lives quietly and faithfully with his male partner.  Can you believe it?  We have arrived at a good point, not by reducing our faith to mere nothing, but by showing love and acceptance in Christ’s name.

 

Eileen was remarkably improved, sat up the next day, had four good days at home, then the infection came back.

 

Shirley and I visited Eileen this afternoon in Hospice, sang to her and prayed for her.  She is on her way out, but I don’t fell that our efforts were wasted.  She had four more days at home and Dave is now at peace with her going. 

 

I am a better pastor now than ever.  Why did it take me so long?

MORE RESPONSE: Lamar, you are having a wonderful ministry with your healing services. How do you pray for people? Do they come forward and ask for specific healing? I have done it different ways. After they kneel I have asked them in private what it is they need healing for and I have had them fill out cards and hand them to me as they kneel. I don't think we offer this healing service enough in our churches. People have deep needs that they don't know what to do with and a healing service gives them an opportunity to name them, be anointed and prayed for. God bless your ministry.  Bernie

HEROES-email exchange

I love the last line of “Band of Brothers” where the real life surviving ranger is asked by his grand-daughter if he was a hero in the war? His answer, “No, but I did serve with the real heroes of the war.”

I love that line as it says so much about the military.

Though some of us did not see combat, or experience any hostilities, we were fortunate enough to serve with those heroes that did!db


I've thought lots of heroes and bravery. Surely lots are, soldiers who are in combat or even the threat of combat; but, I will have to say that over the last couple of years I've been involved on being basically the driver for Rose, fighting breast cancer for 10 years: diagnosed at 30, died just shy of her 41st birthday, my views have changed. I watched her die slowly and during the time I was with her, met lots of cancer survivors. Now, with soldiers, sometimes it's hard to gage. But, with Rose and these many that I met, from my perspective, there is no doubt, we are talking bravery and real heroes.
jda

SOLDIER CHRISTMAS MEANDERINGS

CHRISTMAS IN KOREA


Alice, recently I was talking with someone and got to talking about various things and I told them about us Christmas caroling at Camp Red Cloud in Korea one Christmas. Funny what we remember but I remember going into the NCO (non commissioned officers) Club. There were about a dozen of us. And, you were the choir leader and amidst the GIs playing the slot machines, we sang Silent Night. It was a poignant moment. We laughed about it later but I remember that guys stopped and for that moment were really reverent. And, it became the seed for many a sermon after then, the idea that amidst the secular of life and the profane in a sense, the Prince of Peace even goes. A good message during the holidays for sure. da


ONE TIRED CHAPLAIN


I remember Christmas Eve, 1969, Ben Hoa: After doing zillions of services, visiting the Perimeter guards, etc, I was washed out by midnight. I fell into my bunk and went into sound sleep. Sometime after someone banged on my door, “Chaplain, there is an 11th Armored Cav. Soldier at the top of the water tower and he is threatening to jump.” I was so “pissed” that the 11 ACR wouldn't put a chaplain back for their approximately 1,000 soldiers, and that they had caused me such grief, fighting, etc, that I had used up all my compassion. I said, “tell him to go ahead and jump” and went back to sleep. Well, I finally did struggle out and talked the drunk GI off the water tower. Thank you Lord and Merry Christmas. LH

**Commentary: Remember the empty chairs at holiday tables

By Joseph L. Galloway
McClatchy Newspapers

Even in hard times, this is the holiday season and a time when thoughts turn to home and family and dinner tables covered with food and gaily wrapped presents and bright lights. Save a moment amid the celebrations to give thought to the hundreds of thousands of men and women in uniform in far-flung parts of this world who won't be sitting down to dinner with their families. More than 170,000 men and women of our military will spend their Christmas and New Year's in Iraq and Afghanistan, where killing and dying never take a day off.

Oh, Uncle Sam will do his best to see that most of them sit down to a special dinner of hot turkey and dressing and all the trimmings, and even in the most remote outpost some soldier or Marine will jury-rig a tree of sorts with decorations of sorts. But it's a hollow celebration for a lonely soldier so far from home and loved ones, and lonely, too, at that dinner table back home where a chair stands empty at the head of the table.

The holidays always bring the troops to mind for me. My earliest memories are of holidays during World War II when rationing of meat and sugar and all manner of things that we take for granted today made the feasting and gift-giving a lot more difficult. My dad and six of his brothers were all gone to war, along with four of my mom's brothers. I grew up in houses full of frightened women who were doing their best to make do on shortened rations and small allotment checks. My mother got $17 a month from dad's $21 a month pay.
Times were hard, but every American, indeed everyone in the world, had a stake in a war that was ravaging much of Europe and Asia and would kill 60 million people before it was over.

I have my own memories of holidays spent with soldiers and Marines in combat zones from Vietnam to the Persian Gulf to Iraq. The first was Christmas in An Khe with the 1st Cavalry Division in 1965. The newly arrived division and my friends in the 7th U.S. Cavalry had been blooded in the previous month's terrible battles in the Ia Drang Valley. The memories of young men wounded and dying all around were fresh in our minds. The gaps in our ranks had been filled with green troops yanked out of replacement depots, and the new arrivals looked at the old, sad eyes of men no older than they were with awe, and we all wondered what fresh Hell we'd found ourselves inhabiting. And along came the Bob Hope traveling troupe to take our minds off the war for a couple of hours. Everyone howled at Bob's corny jokes and Jerry Colona's slapstick antics. Everyone's eyes bulged at the sight of a scantily clad Joey Heatherton dancing wildly around the stage.

When it was over, most of us just sat there on the ground wishing it wasn't; wishing we weren't there; wishing that we were home in a crowded living room smelling the treats soon to emerge from a hot, busy kitchen. Then everyone got up, brushed the red dirt off their jungle fatigues and drifted back to their green Army tents and cots. Back to reality.

Another memory is of Thanksgiving in the Saudi Arabian desert in November of 1990. I'd signed up to go eat turkey and trimmings with some unit, somewhere out among the sand dunes, when I was called to board a bus with two dozen other reporters and photographers. The bus would stop at an empty crossroads, and the guy with the clipboard would call off a name or two and drop them before moving on. My turn came, and I stepped off literally in the middle of nowhere. A tall captain of artillery stepped up and saluted: "Mr. Galloway, we are C Battery, 1st Battalion, 21st Field Artillery. We call ourselves The Falcons and you will understand why far better than anyone. We provided fire support for the 7th Cavalry at Landing Zone X-Ray in the Ia Drang. "I stood there unable to say a word, tears rolling down my cheeks. Then I knew that somewhere in that cold, forbidding institution that is an Army, there was both a memory and a heart, and that heart was as tender as my own. I've never had so fine a Thanksgiving dinner as that one in an Army mess tent in a cold, windswept desert; never enjoyed the company and camaraderie so much as I did then and there. Used without permission but we don't think Joe will mind.

**We think the President elect took a note from Joe and send a great message to the troops."

HEAVEN

Someone recently asked me did I believe in heaven? I do and have thought lots about it and here are my comments.

I definitely believe in heaven. It gives me comfort to think that in the great mystery of life and death, that this time on earth is not the end. My favorite Bible verse reiterates this. If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable.

For me personally, I wonder about how heaven will be. I don't think it will be in what we call a temporal sense, meaning knowing in the way we do now, earthy sort of stuff. I would want my friends to meet up with all the special people that I've known in this life. And, it would have to be in a way where the memory of them is not as we would think. Intimacy issues, etc. Of what they would be, I really don't know. It sounds very complicated but in my own mind, I see that heaven can work it out. OK, my theory which is as good as any.

SUICIDE

This friend of mind recently committed suicide and I am devastated. He had been calling me throughout the week wanting to talk. I just didn't see it coming. It is so tragic. I was on the way to see him when I found out. There's a lot involved. I am totally in shock.

So sorry. My counsel is first of all, not your fault, nothing you can do about it. And, you never, never want to ever think you are responsible for someone else's behavior. Suicide is such a difficult thing mainly as it is so wrapped in the tragic and sad circumstances often of mental illness, mostly bipolar types, which is sad in itself. I subscribe to the Albert Ellis view, (guy who developed theory of RET, Rational Emotive Therapy) that a person's life belongs to them and if they choose to end it, their decision. Sounds really cold and there is only relative truth to it, I believe. Mainly, that every suicide victim has a different story. Most of the time, drugs and almost always mental illness is involved. My experience.

Over the years, I've come to believe that most of the time, a person momentarily goes crazy; unfortunately, if they are successful, there is no changing their minds.

Here in San Francisco, we are constantly debating those who jump off the Golden Gate Bridge and it is indeed a popular spot. When I was a chaplain at Letterman Army Medical Center, when it was a 250 bed teaching hospital, part of our job was to retrieve the jumpers and get them to the hospital's morgue as they almost always died. Rarely, but it did happen, one lived. And, I talked to one who did. He told me that he immediately, after jumping, knew he'd made a mistake and wanted to live and so he got himself in a position to hit the water straight: feet first and together (much like paratroopers are taught to land feet together) as opposed to just randomly flopping. Saved his life. For him, it was a spur of the moment decision. And, he is an example of the thinking now, if we can do something to take away a person's ability to be spontaneous as to taking their lives, i. e., a barrier at the Golden Gate Bridge. And, once they are over the impulse, they are OK, at least for the moment.

I know you feel badly and I would too. If he had talked to you, would it have prevented it, maybe? Hard to know but you are not responsible. I think the key is to recognize mental illness and then to be responsible with what you believe the problem to be. I don't know if you have ever been involved with someone who is crazy (my shrink friend says the best definition of how to know someone is crazy is that you can't understand them--I've always found that is exactly right, just can't understand them or their behavior). I have stories to tell. A couple of them, I do not know how I survived, always grateful. People that you truly care about who simply are on another planet, sometimes a different galaxy.

Sorry about your friend and the difficulty. All life is the laboratory. da

BEING THERE

BEING THERE
One of the absolute maxims of life is that all of us die. Rich, poor, famous, infamous, it is a given reality. We are born, live our lives and then we die. In our American culture, we don't do it so well, however we interpret what "well" means. We fight it and well we should. Without waxing too philosophical and say let us not fear it, maybe to say, "we are not going gently into the night." I've always liked William Cullen Bryant's take on death.

So live that when thy summons comes to join that innumerable caravan which moves to that mysterious realm where each shall take his chamber in the silent halls of death.

Go not like the quarry slave at night, scourged to his dungeon, but sustained and soothed by an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave like one who wraps the drapery of his couch about him and lies down to pleasant dreams.

My friend Mary (not her real name) has cancer. About ten years ago, the insidious disease struck her with a vengeance and the fight began. At first, I was little involved as many jumped in to help but then as often happens, the good intentions faded away. I don't want to be too hard as people are human and good or bad, us Americans live busy lives and few know how to prioritize for the best. And, let's face it, our attention span is measured in nano seconds. In fact, this was one of those "hard to get use" to scenes when I was a hospital chaplain. Our patients were, as a rule older, retired military. One program I remember all too well illustrates this: we would have a very sick patient, often at death's door, loved ones would be everywhere which was great. We even had a special room set aside for them to gather where we could meet and talk strategy, plans of action and various medical directive sorts of stuff by the docs. As time went on, they would disappear little by little and if the patient stayed with us for awhile and inched closer to death, it was not unusual for us to have to hunt for the family when the time came. This isn't to place blame or say how terrible it is. It just is.

Getting more involved with Mary in her treatment has brought an entirely different attitude about how to help the sick, especially those whose very life is fighting to live life. Mary's job is to stay alive. And, she has done it for ten years under the most trying of circumstances. Against all odds! Here's what has happened to her during that time--at the beginning, she was at stage 4, which is a death sentence in most cases. Her husband, a ne'the well' in my view couldn't step up to the plate. It wasn't that he was a bad person, simply that he couldn't handle it. And, without belaboring the point, Mary had to make a decision whether to fight him or fight for her life. She wisely chose the latter. Mary shouldered on.

How it has affected me is a strong realization that those of us who assume roles of help need to do it very intentional as the care of those like Mary have to be the primary concern. Too often, the helper becomes the attention. Those who witness the fight, are called upon to drive, to look after; fetch food, drinks, reading material, the "beck and call" of the Marys of the world. And, we need to do it with a rationale which gets "us" out of the way. No easy task. It is a philosophy of simply, being there.

Unfortunately, there is a tendency to want to cogitate our navel, to say how hard this is on us, how difficult. My experience with Mary makes me realize that this is not a "rationale" approach. The call is to Mary, not us and if we can't get out of the way, find something else to do.

Recently, I sought advice from someone who has been through the awful pain with a loved one until that moment when they departed this life for the next. Here is pretty much the dialogue. Their advice was simple but profound.

When you were going through the final days with your husband, how did you hold up?

Well, it was not a matter of me holding up. It was a matter of how to make him comfortable.

Did you know it was his last days.

Yes, I did.

How about other members of your family?

Well, we really didn't talk about it but I think they knew. We all felt a tremendous need to be around. My husband never voiced it but from the time he received the "end" diagnosis, he didn't want to be alone. I think that's natural.

What did your children do?

(Laughed) We did the best we could with the idea of making Phillip (not his real name) comfortable.

What about treatment?

We went until it became obvious that there was truly nothing else to do.

How did you determine that?

To be honest, I think that the doctor more or less determined it; most doctors have a plan. It is what they do. While we may be cowering in the corner, they have a plan of treatment. And, this is what my husband responded too. He did what his doctors told him to do.

So you were pretty impressed with your doctors?

Yes, in a sense. Phillip needed assurance that it wasn't just going to be OK. There was a fear of the future. Along with the rest of us, he would not walk alone but with his trusted physician. Not a small thing. I have mixed emotion to be honest.

In what way?

To be honest again, I would rather not share that, just a view that I'm working through. I can tell you this though: I think it was probably the pain more than anything which made Phillip and all of us feel the hopelessness. There's no giving assurance around the pain. Trust me on this. The awful pain.(shakes her head and gives a deep sigh)

I have read somewhere that the worst aspect of the dying is that patients fear the pain.

I don't know about that but sounds right--he was in such pain and it just cut us to the core. (begins to sob)

What were some of the difficult times if you don't mind talking about it?

In addition to the pain, I think it was friends who wanted to help but couldn't.

What do you mean?

People's motives are good, they want to help but often they don't and can't.

How did you deal with it?

At first I didn't but then later on, I became the gate keeper.

What brought you to that point?

To be honest with you, it was a single incident. A neighbor who was also a cousin came over and just stayed and stayed. He wanted to talk about old times and situations and it got unbearable. Finally, I intervened and said, "Phillip needs to lie down and then I'll come back in and talk." I could tell my husband was at the point of exhaustion and exasperation. In fact, I got him to the bed and he just sat on the side of it, could not even lay down. I'm sure that our neighbor thought he was doing the right thing but it was opposite of what we needed.

Any other things that stick out in your mind?


Well, there is one thing and I hesitate to talk about it but it needs to be said. Don't talk about religion. Well, maybe I should qualify that somewhat. If the patient asks about it OK but I think that religious people, especially if they are conservative have this need to talk about it. One incident we had was so bad, made my husband so uncomfortable. I don't think I should talk about it.

It might be helpful to someone.

Well, this person felt the need to really talk about my husband's relationship to God. It was so inappropriate at the time and created such tension. Conservative religious people feel like this is some kind of commandment. I guess they see it as their duty. What they don't seem to understand is that it is an opinion on their part. Think about it? How can God be so arbitrary? He heals one, he doesn't another. To me, it has always taken away some of the power of God to insist that He is so involved with us, so selective in critical situations. I just don't believe it and in a sick room, no patient wants to be forced to deal with such issues. I surely know my husband didn't. This was a good person and I know he felt bad because he had to feel the tension. I felt for him but I felt more for the uncomfortableness of my dying husband.



So, if you could give anyone any advice about what/how to do or be with their loved ones in terms of caring, what would it be?

I think just "being there" with doing what the person wants as best you can determine, whatever that is. If it is even necessary to "be there" needs to be determined. Can you sit and not talk or talk if the person wants too but leave it at that. I'm discovered that most can't . And, a last thing, the sick person definitely does not need to be worried about their responses or lack thereof.

THE COMING HOME PROJECT

The first time I met Joe Bobrow was at an interfaith memorial service where he was the Buddhist representative. At that time, I thought: what a gentle person. It was somewhat of a generalized statement as my experience with the Buddhists in Korea had been quite extensive and always good. The Buddhist are a wonderfully "at peace" group that we would do well to emulate. Anyway, I lost contact with Joe until my wife met him at a gathering for organizations serving Iraqi and Afghanistan vets. Joe's organization, the Coming Home Project was and is doing fabulous and extraordinary work with Iraqi and Afghanistan vets.

The Coming Home Project seems to have zeroed in on how to grapple with the special needs of vets. With all the emphasis now, Joe's organization is already running retreats and providing therapy to hundreds of soldiers and families. I think it is poised to be the premier helping Provider for vets--no small thing. Too many organizations have great programs on paper but in actuality provide very little.

And, as we know, unfortunately, the bureaucratic processes often overshadows the care of the soldier. It always happens. Unless a soldier is unbelievably tenacious, he/she falls through the cracks. The Coming Home Project is a wonderful stopgap and advocate.

The Iraqi war will end at some time and it may simply be that we declare victory and come home. Who knows? Certainly not those in power. But, the war on terror will not end. Issues surrounding the soldier, especially the ones who have served multiple tours in Iraq, will be around for years even as Vietnam is still with us.

The Coming Home Project is absolutely essential to the future of our country and the volunteer soldiers who serve us. And, unfortunately, the VA, is looked too to provide the care for these warriors. Physically/medically they can and will but with the mental health issues, they are simple not equipped to do it. And, we should not expect them too. For now, we all should be thankful for Joe Bobrow and the Coming Home Project to fill the gap and serve the soldier.

WHERE ARE THE CHAPLAINS?

Yesterday on NPR, I listened to this horror story of this Iraqi vet who came back to Fort Carson, literally deteriorated right in front of his wife's eyes, no help: Army in the form of his immediate commander, a Captain, claiming malingering, etc.--in one example, the guy was so sick that he had to be wheeled to daily formation by his wife.

All military types, who mostly have a love and hate relationship with the media know that there is probably more to the story than what some NPR (National Public Radio) reporter used--the news media is looking for a story, not the truth: a story and the hell with the facts; regardless, this was a horror story even if only a miniscule portion were true. My thoughts immediately, as in so many of such things, where was the Chaplain? The Chaplain is the "poor man's psychiatrist". The Chaplain is the first stop for this wife or should be.

The well done SOP, (Standard Operating Procedure) sickening in its content but a super documentary about the Abu Grabib infamous prison debacle. The pictures of humiliation by any standard were scandalous. The scandal, awful, made me ashamed. The immediate question: Where was the chaplain? Is it that Chaplains have such poor PR (public relations) that they are not even mentioned in dealing with problems of soldiers, especially returning Iraqi vets. Occasionally, we get some story of the good that chaplains are doing and it is a lot. I understand but too often in these horror stores, nobody mentions the Chaplain: the wife in this episode went to everybody, getting no help. What if she had said, "well, at least the chaplain encouraged me."

Are Chaplains too tied to the command structure to "kick against the pricks" as the Apostle Paul said and I am fond of saying. We have a Chief of Chaplains. I'm thinking typical politics--his mission: to run the chaplaincy, meaning messing in personnel and trying to keep a low profile. Is the chaplaincy like Ensign Pulver in the movie, Mister Roberts with a mission of staying constantly below the radar. I hope not. Please! The chaplains should be making a difference. This is the best chance Chaplains have had in ages to really shine in terms of what they do best. I'm not hearing it! On this NPR story, the Chief of Chaplain's office ought to be all over it: finding out how to help, what to do--anything but nothing which we are hearing.

We at least ought to have a few chaplains kicking ass and taking names. Amen!

LAUGHTER

We need to laugh more and seek stress reducing humor in our everyday lives. Laughter is the human gift for coping and for survival. Laughter ringing, laughter pealing, laughter roaring, laughter bubbling. Chuckling. Giggling. Snickering. Snorting. These are the sounds of soul saving laughter which springs from our emotional core and helps us feel better, see things more clearly, and creatively weigh and use our options. Laughter helps us roll with the punches that inevitably come our way. The power of laughter is unleashed every time we laugh. In today's stressful world, we need to laugh much more. Laughter Therapist, Enda Junkins

To be honest, I've heard of the benefits of laughter in one's life. I agree, has to be, we would surely be better in life if we laughed more. Who would not believe that!

Recently, I had a laughter experience. It was almost one of those where you had to be there experiences. I was the driver for my good friend who has been battling cancer for ten years. We go into the Cancer Center at the University Hospital. They have these little alcoves where the patient sits in a big chair and the chemo is piped into their bodies. There are acres of folks it seems. All battling for their lives in one way or another. Beside the patient's chair is a small one for those like myself if we choose to hang out. I do. In fact, I've asked myself why? I could easily wait down in the lobby, much more comfortable and some escapism. But, somehow, I always think, "it's the least I can do."

My friend is asleep. I often don't know how to relate to those around me. Surely not be my friendly, gregarious, talkative self. This is not the Pig and Whistle bar. Usually, you glance at those clustered with you in your little alcove. After all, you have a connection. You are a hostage to cancer in a way: hostage in that you are sad, that it causes you to think about your life, you're there. Outside is the sun and the beach is just a figurative stone's throw away.

I am sitting there cogitating my naval, thinking about all of this and across from us is a Latino lady and my counterpart. She looks to be about mid forties, slightly dishelved, not that it is a big deal, we're not there for fashion. She has an angelic face. Sweet. A nurse and one or two others come in and explain in Spanish the details of her chemo treatment. She nods. With the treatment flowing into her veins, she and her friend are talking in Spanish. I'm wondering what they are saying. Suddenly, the one getting the treatment busts out laughing. She glances at me. I start laughing. I don't even know what I'm laughing at: but for thirty minutes at least, we are laughing back and forth: stop, start. Like when you are in church as a kid and get to giggling and can't stop. You're shaking, you're laughing so hard. It was hysterical. My friend in her half sleep, wanted to know why we were laughing. I don't know. I think laugh therapy is "right on."

We need to laugh more and seek stress reducing humor in our everyday lives. Laughter is the human gift for coping and for survival. Laughter ringing, laughter pealing, laughter roaring, laughter bubbling. Chuckling. Giggling. Snickering. Snorting. These are the sounds of soul saving laughter which springs from our emotional core and helps us feel better, see things more clearly, and creatively weigh and use our options. Laughter helps us roll with the punches that inevitably come our way. The power of laughter is unleashed every time we laugh.

MY FELLOW VET

Larry R. Smith

May 4, 1945 – March 19,2008

After a 2 year courageous battle with both Pancreatic and Prostate Cancer, Larry Russell Smith passed peacefully at his home in Edmonds, Washington, surrounded by his wife, friends and family at the age of 62.

Larry was born in Bremerton, Washington, to Doris Dolbec and Russell Allan Smith. He was the youngest of three children of a ship builder and an elementary school teacher and leaves his older brother William Smith of Kenmore, Washington, and an older sister Lois Forbes of Renton, Washington, behind. Larry was mostly raised in San Mateo, California. He was part of the first graduating class of Aragon High School in 1963 lettering in both the football and wrestling programs. He attended both San Francisco State and the College of San Mateo before ultimately finishing at the University of Washington majoring in Mathematics in 1967. He was a lifelong Husky fan attending many of his alma mater’s Rose Bowl games.

Larry was drafted into the Army shortly after college and served courageously in Vietnam earning two Purple Hearts as part of the 199th light infantry brigade known as the ‘Redcatchers’. Larry served out his military career at the Presidio of San Francisco applying his mathematical skills in the payroll department until 1970.

Larry was a loyal and dedicated husband, friend, brother, father, grandfather, employee and mentor to many. He worked for Rael and Letson as a Consulting Actuary for over 30 years rising to the Chief Actuary and Vice Presidency role and serving on its, and many of its clients’, boards during his employment. He obtained his MAAA and EA certificates and distinctions from the Society of Actuaries while working for Rael and Letson.

Larry loved his children and grandchildren dearly and is survived by 3 grown children, Michael Smith of Palo Alto, California, Kathleen Pacheco of Moss Beach, California and Alex Smith currently obtaining his MBA degree at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo along with 2 step children Jason Hoff of Yakima, Washington, and Sharmon Hoff of Bainbridge Island, Washington. His Grandchildren and step-Grandchildren will have many fond memories of their grandfather. Sebastian and Eva Pacheco, Sophia and Trevor Smith and Amanda and Andrew Hoff will miss their grandfather and his loyalty to his family. He is survived by his wife Betti-Jo Picatti Hoff Smith of Edmonds, Washington, and his first wife of 30 years, Kathleen Alderman Smith of Montara, California. Larry is also survived by many nieces, nephews, cousins and friends.

Larry was a point of inspiration to us all with a passion for life and living. He was a world-traveler, an aficionado of fine wine, scotch whiskey, a good cigar and great conversation. Larry was an avid follower and season ticket holder of the 49ers for 35 years and of the Seahawks for the past 4 years. His love for the outdoors fueled his many trip to both Alaska and Lake Tahoe throughout his life. He was also a 25 year resident of Montara, California, along the Pacific coast below San Francisco. He will be deeply missed by those who had met him and all agree that he left us too early in his life.

Friends, family and those who were touched by his life will be meeting to celebrate Larry’s life on April 5th. The family asks that in lieu of flowers, please donate to either the American Cancer Society or The University of Washington’s Tyee program. The family would like to thank the wonderful staff at the Swedish Medical Center in Seattle and the hospice program through the VA and Sisters of Providence.


Mike


REDCATCHER
199TH LIGHT INFANTRY BRIGADE VIETNAM

JUST BEING THERE

One of the absolute maxims of life is that all of us die. Rich, poor, famous, infamous, it is a given reality. We are born, live our lives and then we die. In our American culture, we don't do it so well, however we interpret what "well" means. We fight it and well we should. Without waxing too philosophical and say let us not fear it, maybe to say, "we are not going gently into the night." I've always liked William Cullen Bryant's take on death.

So live that when thy summons comes to join that innumerable caravan which moves to that mysterious realm where each shall take his chamber in the silent halls of death.

Go not like the quarry slave at night, scourged to his dungeon, but sustained and soothed by an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave like one who wraps the drapery of his couch about him and lies down to pleasant dreams.

My friend Mary (not her real name) has cancer. About ten years ago, the insidious disease struck her with a vengeance and the fight began. At first, I was little involved as many jumped in to help but then as often happens, the good intentions faded away. I don't want to be too hard as people are human and good or bad, us Americans live busy lives and few know how to prioritize for the best. And, let's face it, our attention span is measured in nano seconds. In fact, this was one of those "hard to get use" to scenes when I was a hospital chaplain. Our patients were, as a rule older, retired military. One program I remember all too well illustrates this: we would have a very sick patient, often at death's door, loved ones would be everywhere which was great. We even had a special room set aside for them to gather where we could meet and talk strategy, plans of action and various medical directive sorts of stuff by the docs. As time went on, they would disappear little by little and if the patient stayed with us for awhile and inched closer to death, it was not unusual for us to have to hunt for the family when the time came. This isn't to place blame or say how terrible it is. It just is.

Getting more involved with Mary in her treatment has brought an entirely different attitude about how to help the sick, especially those whose very life is fighting to live life. Mary's job is to stay alive. And, she has done it for ten years under the most trying of circumstances. Against all odds! Here's what has happened to her during that time--at the beginning, she was at stage 4, which is a death sentence in most cases. Her husband, a ne'the well' in my view couldn't step up to the plate. It wasn't that he was a bad person, simply that he couldn't handle it. And, without belaboring the point, Mary had to make a decision whether to fight him or fight for her life. She wisely chose the latter. Mary shouldered on.

How it has affected me is a strong realization that those of us who assume roles of help need to do it very intentional as the care of those like Mary have to be the primary concern. Too often, the helper becomes the attention. Those who witness the fight, are called upon to drive, to look after; fetch food, drinks, reading material, the "beck and call" of the Marys of the world. And, we need to do it with a rationale which gets "us" out of the way. No easy task. It is a philosophy of simply, being there.

Unfortunately, there is a tendency to want to cogitate our navel, to say how hard this is on us, how difficult. My experience with Mary makes me realize that this is not a "rationale" approach. The call is to Mary, not us and if we can't get out of the way, find something else to do.

Recently, I sought advice from someone who has been through the awful pain with a loved one until that moment when they departed this life for the next. Here is pretty much the dialogue. Their advice was simple but profound.

When you were going through the final days with your husband, how did you hold up?

Well, it was not a matter of me holding up. It was a matter of how to make him comfortable.

Did you know it was his last days.

Yes, I did.

How about other members of your family?

Well, we really didn't talk about it but I think they knew. We all felt a tremendous need to be around. My husband never voiced it but from the time he received the "end" diagnosis, he didn't want to be alone. I think that's natural.

What did your children do?

(Laughed) We did the best we could with the idea of making Phillip (not his real name) comfortable.

What about treatment?

We went until it became obvious that there was truly nothing else to do.

How did you determine that?

To be honest, I think that the doctor more or less determined it; most doctors have a plan. It is what they do. While we may be cowering in the corner, they have a plan of treatment. And, this is what my husband responded too. He did what his doctors told him to do.

So you were pretty impressed with your doctors?

Yes, in a sense. Phillip needed assurance that it wasn't just going to be OK. There was a fear of the future. Along with the rest of us, he would not walk alone but with his trusted physician. Not a small thing. I have mixed emotion to be honest.

In what way?

To be honest again, I would rather not share that, just a view that I'm working through. I can tell you this though: I think it was probably the pain more than anything which made Phillip and all of us feel the hopelessness. There's no giving assurance around the pain. Trust me on this. The awful pain.(shakes her head and gives a deep sigh)

I have read somewhere that the worst aspect of the dying is that patients fear the pain.

I don't know about that but sounds right--he was in such pain and it just cut us to the core. (begins to sob)

What were some of the difficult times if you don't mind talking about it?

In addition to the pain, I think it was friends who wanted to help but couldn't.

What do you mean?

People's motives are good, they want to help but often they don't and can't.

How did you deal with it?

At first I didn't but then later on, I became the gate keeper.

What brought you to that point?

To be honest with you, it was a single incident. A neighbor who was also a cousin came over and just stayed and stayed. He wanted to talk about old times and situations and it got unbearable. Finally, I intervened and said, "Phillip needs to lie down and then I'll come back in and talk." I could tell my husband was at the point of exhaustion and exasperation. In fact, I got him to the bed and he just sat on the side of it, could not even lay down. I'm sure that our neighbor thought he was doing the right thing but it was opposite of what we needed.

Any other things that stick out in your mind?


Well, there is one thing and I hesitate to talk about it but it needs to be said. Don't talk about religion. Well, maybe I should qualify that somewhat. If the patient asks about it OK but I think that religious people, especially if they are conservative have this need to talk about it. One incident we had was so bad, made my husband so uncomfortable. I don't think I should talk about it.

It might be helpful to someone.

Well, this person felt the need to really talk about my husband's relationship to God. It was so inappropriate at the time and created such tension. Conservative religious people feel like this is some kind of commandment. I guess they see it as their duty. What they don't seem to understand is that it is an opinion on their part. Think about it? How can God be so arbitrary? He heals one, he doesn't another. To me, it has always taken away some of the power of God to insist that He is so involved with us, so selective in critical situations. I just don't believe it and in a sick room, no patient wants to be forced to deal with such issues. I surely know my husband didn't. This was a good person and I know he felt bad because he had to feel the tension. I felt for him but I felt more for the uncomfortableness of my dying husband.



So, if you could give anyone any advice about what/how to do or be with their loved ones in terms of caring, what would it be?

I think just "being there" with doing what the person wants as best you can determine, whatever that is. If it is even necessary to "be there" needs to be determined. Can you sit and not talk or talk if the person wants too but leave it at that. I'm discovered that most can't . And, a last thing, the sick person definitely does not need to be worried about their responses or lack thereof.

BRING THE GUILTY BASTARD IN

This is an expression that is common in the military. And, in court martials where this statement originated, it is more true than untrue. Some of the reason is that very stringent requirements exist for what is called an Article 32 investigation. Usually this is so through that if it does come to court martial, there is a more than reasonable chance that the evidence is pretty exact. Not always as the trials of the Marines and their views of Rules of Engagement in Iraq surely will attest. But, all that aside, what I am aiming for here is a concept of supporting the son of a friend of mine.

Dear Jason, I'm sure you will not remember me but I met you when I was stationed with your Mom at the Presidio and there is a slight chance that we also might have connected when you were in CA and your Mom lived in Clayton. Regardless, I am a retired Army Chaplain and have been inquiring about your station in life since the onset of this saga.

I can't tell you how sad I am that this has happened to you. It is weird to me beyond belief. Your Mom has explained it to me and to say that I am fluxmoxed is an understatement of many a day. My confusion is that something like this has happened to you in the 21st Century is almost beyond my comprehension. But, that being said, it surely appears there is not much to be done about the basics at this particular point. I guess my reference would be something akin to Iraq. I have thought that move was stupid from the beginning but now that we are there, have to figure it out: not much to do about the mistakes that got us into the quagmire. And, with you, not much to do about the choices that also got you where you are. I do want to be supportive and your Mom tells me that the best way is to write you. I can surely do that.

I am in San Francisco. My wife and I live on Anza Street which is right at the foot of USF (University of San Francisco) housing. We really didn't know what we were getting into when we moved here but it has worked out fine. Living around a group of college kids will keep you young but more importantly, keep you awake. They never sleep. USF is a good Jesuit school and by the looks of the students, they have a number of foreign students. We live in a bottom flat, above us are a group about your age who play video games all day. They actually work for a gaming magazine and are testing these games. What a profession! It is hard to know how many of them live in the apartment, they come and go: nice kids. And, then above them are two 7 foot basketball players and their manager. I guess the school wants to protect their investment and so they keep someone with these guys.

Jason, God bless you. I wish I could send you some books, etc.; I think that if I were to give you some suggestions, it might be to figure out how to make use of this time you're a guest of the State. I actually have had some experience in this area as a chaplain. My first duty assignment was as the Stockade Chaplain at Fort Bragg, NC. Of course, most of the population there were guilty of violating military rules, like AWOL, etc.; as civilians, they would not have to deal with such. And, one of my favorite programs on TV, hardcore to the max and may be unrealistic, OZ, on HBO. All that to say that I do think about it. What about education? Learning how to make movies, etc. etc.; of course, I don't have a clue as to your choices. I'll be checking in with your Mom to get some idea. However, will not be sharing with her our conversations or correspondence if we have any. God bless.

THE COLONEL

Word came a few nights ago that my buddy, Bill O'Donovan had departed this life. I am sad. Bill was one of those guys that you sort of figured would live forever. I first got to know him when I was at the Presidio as the pastor for two congregations. He was retired, a Colonel lawyer type who had started out as an infantryman in the Big War. In fact, It was not hard to imagine Bill right out of central casting ahead of John Wayne. Bill was an infantry company commander and in many fierce battle in the South Paific, proved the meddle like so many of the greatest generation. Bill had stories to tell, like jumping in a foxhole full of snakes--he loved to tell it.

But, the one I remember mostly is one of great coincidence where he wrote a very poignant letter to the family of one of his enlisted guys, attempting to comfort them in their loss. Forty years or even longer, he was at some function in San Francisco, having become a successful Army and civilian attorney, when the featured speaker referenced an O'Donovan that had written this wonderful letter to his grandmother--A letter that had gone a long way in sustaining her throughout the war. The grandson had saved it as a cherished possession. Imagine his surprise when he discovered Bill. To the Colonel, such coincidences were really not chance at all but moments to savor.

Bill had thousands of stories. I loved to listen. He was a stalward at the 1100 hours service, along with his wife, Jane. He loved to be around the military--to smell them he would say.

What an inspiration! When I was in Korea and felt that I wanted to begin an organization for Vietnam vets to help Amerasian (American fathers/Asian mothers, often ostracized in their native country) and Vietnamese kids who had come to America, Bill encouraged me, He felt we all had some collective guilt in running out and leaving the Vietnamese with empty promises. Although he would never own up to it, Bill was one of the shakers and movers in developing the policy of allowing the Vietnamese who had helped us come to America. During that time, I remember the news accounts which were highly critical of the policy. Bill and I were watching as the planes landed from Vietnam and those women and children got on and off buses. I will never forget what the Colonel said: "if that (meaning the Vietnamese) doesn't melt hearts, then nothing will. It did and any opposition to the policy faded away. Bill was not in the least surprised. He was a great American patriot and had faith in the spirit of America he would say.

The Colonel contributed. It was who Bill was. He touched life. Bill became the treasurer for our fledgling non profit, Vietnam Vets Southeast Asian Children's Project. And, it was also Bill who jokingly said, "I don't think our organization is needed." What he meant was that we discovered quickly that of all the emigrant groups, the Vietnamese needed the least help. In San Francisco, at least, every kid had three paper routes and after six months, was speaking better English than most of us.

Bill and I would hang out at Liverpool Lil's, a place just off the Presidio. We met there almost every week. And, when I went to Arizona for an assignment, I bought a print of Liverpool LIl's and gave it to him. Bill and Jane lived on Divisadero Street in a great sectiion of San Francisco called Cow Hollow, They were the epitome of good hosts--old Army. It was all silverware and elegance. What always fascinated me about Bill, among so many things, was the fact that he absolutely broached constantly the perceived age barriers. Forever young, he loved chaplains and was as comfortable with the young guys as the old ones. To say that Bill was a renaissnce man is somewhat of an understatement. For those who have seen my favorite TV minseries or read the book, Lonesome Dove, Bill is without a doubt, Gus, the perpetual and ubiquitous renaissance man.

My world is not the same without Bill. But, I will have to say that I have comfort in something Bill said over and over: every day has been a gift. The Colonel was a gift.

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.
13:2 HEB


Life is a school for angels. Love is the Teacher, so do your homework without fear. Death is merely graduation.
found on a Starbucks cup


Prayer For Today: You are faithful, Lord. Your promises are from everlasting to everlasting and your saving power is our sure salvation. Though on every side in our world our faith and hopes are attacked, yet will we trust in you. Teach us to live as those who believe that love which goes on loving will always win at last. Amen.


Suggestion: Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in life has a purpose.
-Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1926 -)

Buddy and Me

Rev. Harley G. "Buddy" Babb, Jr., 83, went home to be with the Lord, and his beloved wife Ruby, on November 23, 2007. Born March 1, 1924, Rev. Babb was born and raised in Fountain Inn. A veteran of the European Theatre in World War II, he was wounded multiple times and awarded the Bronze Star and Purple Heart with Oak Leaf Cluster for his service. After returning from the war, he was called later into the ministry and graduated from Furman University. He studied at Erskine Theological Seminary, and had further training in pastoral counseling and chaplaincy at Spartanburg Regional Medical Center. Rev. Babb pastored Crestview Baptist (Fountain Inn), Poplar Springs Baptist (Moore), and Arcadia First Baptist (Spartanburg) churches. After leaving the pastorate he was chief of counseling with the Greenville County Alcohol and Drug Abuse Commission until retirement.

BUDDY AND ME


Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others come, stay for awhile, touch us and we are never ever the same again. The poet Flavia said this and oh so true as relates to my friend, Buddy. He touched me, really touched me. I think that Jesus probably welcomed Buddy personally into heaven. In fact, I doubt seriously if many of the preachers, famous or infamous, maybe Mother Teresa, received the heavenly welcome of Buddy. He truly was a "giant" in terms of service; never had a big church or one that could decently pay him: humble without guile. I am sad.

I have so many stories to tell about Buddy; a book but these come quickly to mind. I had gone to Furman University, a small Baptist college in SC, on a football scholarship. Unprepared for college, I failed out after the first year and lost my scholarship. I already had two jobs and was on the verge of leaving college and going home. The college dean had called me in. As I sat in his outer office, thinking that I was getting my walking papers, I was resolved. This was pretty much the gist of our conversation: you are not prepared and it is enviable that you feel the calling to the ministry but there are denominations where you don't have to have a college education. Maybe go to Bible School or something. He was trying to be helpful.

I walked out of the office, not only with a heavy heart but honestly, with no direction. It was a spiritual moment even if I didn't realize it then. The Bible says, "God, who has become a good work in you, will see it through" or something like that. Maybe this was one of my problems, I knew it was in the Bible somewhere but couldn't find it half the time. A real calling would have better placed a guy to at least know the Bible.

I had an old 49 Ford, coupe, I loved that car. Taped to the sun visor were all these Bible verses and one said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthened me." I believed it even if I couldn't quite figure it out. I started out toward town, thinking, "Maybe it is time to consider other options." What? Well, the Army maybe, something.

I stopped at a 7-11 to get a Pepsi, which was always comforting. Walking to it, I walked past a printing place or some sort of business, on the window was a Help Wanted sign. Without thinking I went in: they wanted a janitor, preferred a college student and maybe train me to help in the business which was actually called, Therma Fax Copying Machines. She hired me without me having a clue what I was going to do. Thus Buddy Babb entered my life. The lady that hired me was actually his sister who was the office manager.

Immediately, we bonded. I learned that Buddy was the Service Manager for the business. And, it was much later than I discovered he was the primary force behind its success. Everybody loved him. Buddy already had felt the "calling" and this job was merely something to keep bread on the table.

Buddy became a force in my life: mentor, encourager, friend, confidante. He should have taken me off his income tax as a dependent. Ruby, the wife, was this wonderful cook. And, believe me, a few times in those days, a good meal was no small thing. Sometimes after the meal, Buddy would always want to pray; and, for Buddy, it was not just praying but these long conversations with God--he'd literally pray for every single person he knew, to include people overseas, you name it: sometimes, it was an hour or two. I would go to sleep and wake up about the time he finished and was always so thankful as I would have been mortified for him to think I was asleep while he was exhorting God to use my life for good.

At Therma Fax Copying Machines, making like $2 an hour, Buddy convinced the anal retentive boss to allow me to start doing service calls on machines. It was more money but I didn't know anything about the machines--pretty complicated for their day. Buddy says, "No sweat, I don't even know much about them. Just look like you know what you are doing and when nobody is looking, open the machine and hit it a couple of times on the side and then about 95% of the time, it will be OK. I did and it worked.

Buddy adopted the absolute untouchables; adults/kids who were mentally and physically challenged in every way. I don't know where he found them. Once he got me to go with him to this burial service for a young teenager that he found living with his Dad in a trailer park. You guessed it, Buddy adopted the family. The child lived much longer than usual because, according to Buddy, the father, although poor doted on this kid who had Spina Bifida. My girlfriend at the time who is now my wife, went with me. The only attendees were Buddy, Jackie and me and the father. Buddy insisted we have a funeral service as though we had a cast of thousands. Jackie sang, His Eye Is On The Sparrow. It was beautiful.

When I was in Vietnam, I went through a particularly hard period, mainly disillusionment. I knew that young Americans were dying and for what. I had determined there was no good reason. I wrote Buddy about it. In his own right, he was a real hero, having served in the Infantry in WW ll. I knew about it, not because he ever discussed it but once I saw all his medals: three silver stars, several purple hearts and other medals. His brother-in-law did tell me an actual event that happened. They were pinned down by a German regiment all night and one of his squad members was severely wounded. Buddy shielded his body all night by laying on top of him. Why was I not surprised?

Buddy wrote back and said, "God has only called you to be faithful. You are and have to trust that He will give you courage and strength to do what you have to do." He included in his letter this beautiful polished rock and said, "When there's doubt, rub this." It was a small thing but I cannot convey how often this simple act provided comfort and solace. Buddy loved to get these simple stones that he found by the roadside and polish them into this beautiful luster. I think he saw this act as symbolically being the way our own lives are. We are works in progress.

Buddy Babb was a giant among God's servants. What little I am today, without reservation, I owe much to this man. He quoted this to me one day and I added it to my Ford's visor, "Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance." THANKS, BUDDY.

Good and Evil

Right and wrong. Wow, what subjects? My Dad use to say all the time, "Son, always try to do what's right." I never realized as the years stretched out and I became my Dad, the truth, right and wrong, adinfinitum would be so complicated but also so simple. And, there's nothing that conveys doing the right thing more than old time cowboy movies. I think so anyway.

My hero has always been Randolph Scott and a close second, Joel McCrea: you could count on those guys to do the right thing.

Recently, I watched a special on Sam Peckinpah who made many cowboy movies with Randolph and Joel. His best was Ride The High Country, which was Randolph Scott's last. I had already seen it several times but saw it again. Watching it through different lens, based on what I had heard on the Penkinpah Special made it even more meaningful.

Randolph Scott and Joel McCrea are aging former lawmen. Randolph Scott and Joel get locked in a good or bad, right or wrong confrontation. Randolph is the realist of the two and sees all the hard work as less than principled and now is the time to maybe cash in. Along the way, Randolph, who in this movie and most I have seen, is ever the renaissance man. He has taken as a partner a young potential ne' the well. There's a young girl who forces Joel to be her protector, simply because it is the right thing to do. When asked by Randolph why he is so straight and narrow and everything is black and white, Joel says, "I want t go into my house justified." Who knows what that statement means? Here's my take: I want to live my life in such a way that when it's over, I have done my best. Just about sums it up.

In a world where nothing anymore seems to be black and white, looking back to Ride The High Country seems mighty good.

THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE

Tammy Faye has gone on to her just rewards. I'm a little sad. I saw the documentary, The Eyes of Tammy Faye, done by two gay guys. Very interesting and I think I might watch it again--what I got from it before was the mutual respect of the film makers and their subject.

What a storied background that Ms. Tammy has lived. Most of us got to know her when, along with her former husband, Jim, they were ripping off the faithful. All of us know that story and the downfall. When it happened, I had mixed feeling, although never a fan. I was constantly asking questions: how could people be so stupid as to be taken in by these two. But, to be fair, I was constantly asking that of all the televangelists, whether they promised riches or keys to the kingdom.

I always thought that Jim and Tammy Faye were kind of naive with a simple message that made people want to believe. And, then there was Jim's near tryst with a not quite so innocent believer, Jessica Hahn. He didn't quite seem to know how to pull that off--there was always a question of whether they got it on or not. And, let's face it, Jessica made out financially OK. Maybe a little disillusionment, although it didn't keep her from having breast augmentation.

Remarkably, Tammy Faye and even Jim, after a little prison time, went on to rebuild their lives somewhat. So, as often happens in our culture, the famous become infamous.

Larry King announced Tammy's departure on his show. She had promised him "dibs." The last time she was on his show, she allowed as how she was going straight to heaven once it was time. Tammy, I don't doubt that but since nobody knows quite how heaven works, I can't believe that you're not going to have to wait a bit--straight I would think refers to those like Mother Teresa and others who probably never concerned themselves with the Larry King show.

Father's Day

Being A Father by John Henry Lee:

Are any of us the father we want to be or wish we'd been? I doubt it. Most of the Dads I know do the best they can, relatively speaking. The flip side of the coin is that there are some pretty sorry fathers. Amazingly, so many kids constantly are searching for their fathers, literally or figuratively, regardless if they were good or bad; there's something about wanting to know your real Dad: amazing.

I first encountered it when I was part of a group that started the organization, Vietnam Veterans Southeast Asia Children's Project, mostly working with Amerasian (mothers are Asian and fathers mostly American GIs) kids: all of them wanted to find their American fathers who didn't want anything to do with them. Pretty sad, but understandable. I remember one vet I located --he was so outraged that I would contact him because he had his own life now, wife, kids,etc. Vietnam was over forever and he doubted if the kid was his anyway. (I actually wrote a play about my encounter with him; and, if I ever get any big money, I'm going to produce it.)

Let's face it: In a real sense, the greatest job; or, at least the second (Mother first maybe) that anyone would ever have, is being a father. My own Dad was terrific; and, even today, I hear many things inside my head from him.

Recently, I was in a situation, not so much with me, but with a friend and I said, "The only thing I know to tell you is an expression my Dad used all the time: 'You might as well laugh as cry.' " I was amazed at hearing myself saying, "You might as well laugh as cry." I had not thought of the expression in years; and yet, when I needed the cogent comment, there was my Dad. Also, someone said to me recently, what was your first memory? Hands down it was when my Dad "whipped the daylights out of me" for cursing. I was about six.

There is a concept that we invent the parent of our childhood. I don't know. I do know that my older brothers and I have a somewhat different view of our Dad. I was the youngest, hung out with him lots and listened to his stories. He was a great storyteller and I listened over and over to the same one which always varied just a shade each time. From what I hear from my brothers, I got the best of him. When they were younger, putting bread on the table and making sure there was a future i.e., in other words, surviving consumed much of my Dad's time. When I came along, those things were more or less secured I think or maybe my Dad was just a little more easy-going with his sixth child, who knows.

But, I am a product of my own Dad and my children are of me. Please God, I hope I've done a good job, the most important one I'll ever have. Happy Father's Day and a special Hoooo-aaaaah to all the fathers in the armed forces who are away from their children this year.
JHL

MAKING SENSE OF THE SENSELESS

There is simply no way to make sense of the senseless killings at Virginia Tech. What we try to do is put some sort of sensible explanation on the inexplicable tragedy. Impossible!

I know the school really well and have been there many times and can imagine the pall covering the school like a shroud.

HOW DO WE ATTEMPT TO PUT MEANING TO THE TRAGEDY?

First, there was the convocation; a kind of memorial service. Good idea--let the grieving come to some sort of "life goes on." Speeches, politicians, the President representing America. The highlight was a Virginia Tech professor. At first I wondered why she felt the need to equate the tragedy with most every evil in the world but still, no criticism here. She ended well, "We are strong and brave and innocent and unafraid. We are better than we think, not quite what we want to be. We are alive to the imagination and the possibility. We will continue to invent the future through our blood and tears, through all this sadness. We are the Hokies! We will prevail, we will prevail! We are Virginia Tech!"

After her speech, there was wild applause, an outpouring of emotion. I was moved.

No explanation for the tragedy. We live in a very violent society. One of the thoughts among many as I watched and listened to the Memorial Service: in Iraq, the Iraqis experience this every single day. Almost 200 dead Iraqis in the last few days.

THE SHOOTER. Korean. And, based on my knowledge of the Korean people, they literally will be burdened about this in a big way. One of their own, although in America, they will see it as "losing face." Their whole lives are built around the Confucian philosophy. It really is not a religion but a philosophy of living. Kibun is the word which most describes it: means well being. In KoreaTown in Los Angeles, the feelings of shame are rampant. There are over 2 million Koreans in America. No single group of people revere America like the South Koreans. In some ways, it is a love/hate relationship. Based on who they are, older Koreans will be the first to tell you that they would not exist had it not been for the American rescue during the Korean war. Younger Koreans who have not lived through it love the American way of life but not the Americans.

In this tragedy, however, all South Koreans will stand toe to toe in shame. Americans view a tragedy of this nature as sad, useless. They weep with the people. They lament the loss but they do so individually. Not so with the Koreans, as a country, they see that they are shamed by a fellow countryman. They hang their head, even though they have no responsibility in it.

THE MEDIA

In this tragedy, we are faced with the ambiguities of what the media means to our society. We want news, we are an open society, the media performs a useful function. However, as I watched all the media malaise, I couldn't help but think, what is going on? A circus! And, what we realize as usual is that the media is not interested in the truth, grief, whatever--they are interested in a story. And, they are giving us stories.

THE TRAGEDY

Grief is a powerfully consuming emotion without adequate description and feelings for the parents is an empathy that any parent knows. They sent their kids off to college and were concerned about grades, the choices they would make, binge drinking, adinfinitum but safety was not high on the priority list.

Any death is sad and the loss of the physical presence, the ability to call the son or daughter and say, "how's it going?" For those killed, they are gone.

As my seminary professor often said, "Sometimes there is a sympathy for people that is so great that you simply do not know what to say." I am there.

A type of terror came to roost at Virginia Tech and it was in the form of a lone crazy. There is no answer. We second guess. Some use it to push their issues, gun control, lack of response. Whatever. Simply, it is and our hearts go out to the loved ones of those murdered. God help us.

DON HO--Mr. Slack Jaw

This was a humorous name given Don by a neighbor when I lived in Germany. Don Ho recently transitioned from this life to the next. He's up there singing Tiny Bubbles in God's heavenly choir. I have no doubt.

American GIs on R and R in Hawaii were introduced to Don and in ways big and small, he endeared himself. I remember his talk during his show. It went something like, "I want to welcome all the American GIs from Vietnam to my part of the world and to the show. I cannot begin to tell you how much you mean to me and to all Hawaiians. When I was a little boy I use to marvel at the planes flying into and out of Hawaii. And, I was inspired and joined up. One of my all time best decisions. Thank you for what you are doing and never forget, we love you and appreciate you. God bless you and return you home safely"

There we sat, a little like Lil' Abner's, Joe Btfsplk with a cloud hanging over our heads, never doubting for a moment that Don was sincere. Don eased our pain a little and we've never forgotten him. He was more than an entertainer, he was Hawaii and for a few short days so were we. So long Don, slack jaw or not, our world is a little reduced since you're not in it.

EASTER--FACT OR FICTION

I don't know and it doesn't matter. Happy Easter. What prompted this look anew at my beliefs was a recently conversation I had with someone. She was giving me the typical California view of faith or lack thereof: Jesus was a good teacher, like Buddha or Mohammed or the wind, nature or whatever. I said, no sweat with me. It is fine for you to believe anything you want. What I didn't tell her was that I was raised in Primitive Baptist NC and they basically have a belief that they don't proselytize and so if "you want to go to hell" in their terms, fine with them, choice.

PERSONAL BELIEFS

My friend said something like, "I don't see how anyone can possibly believe in all the illogical things that Christians do: heaven, hell, adinfinitum." Well, it is called faith and by its very definition, it cannot be proven. And, in fact, it is why it is called faith. Faith is, by the Christian Bible definition--the substance of things hoped for but not seen.

CNN had a series of specials, well, two I saw that examined Christianity. It was what most of us know if we think about it: Christians are as varied as there are people, especially how we practice. For instance, there are the Catholics that are wedded to Canonical law and rules and regulations. There are some things that you have to do and be in order to be a "good" Catholic. For the rest of us Christians, with something like 150 denominations, what it boils down too essentially is faith. It is what makes it faith--cannot prove it, touch it, know for sure what it is. It just is. And, for the person who follows all the ideas of the Bible as well as the person who sees God in nature or pizza dough, it is all about faith.

MATTHEW, MARK, LUKE AND JOHN

And, I mostly say, I am a Christina and it is my faith that makes me so. I don't have a need to be logical about it, prove it, have a theory--simply my faith that comes mainly from the Bible, especially the synoptic gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. These gospels are what Jesus said and did: the rest of the New Testament is interpretations of what He said and did. Consequently, you can put on your own interpretation.

THE CONVERSION EXPERIENCE

What I strongly believe in is the "conversion" experience. Most Christians don't get it and simply, people's experiences are all different. And, no one can say a person's experience is invalid. They might say they don't believe it, see it another way or that you are a fool; however, they cannot say it is not your experience. For instance, the conversion may come like the Apostle Paul who was struck down on the Damascus Road and blinded according to the Bible. But, all "conversion experiences" do not come like this. For some, the conversion might be shrouded in mystery, wrapped in logic or the "still" quiet voice. For instance, I was "saved" as a 12 year old at a small rural Church during the annual Revival Meeting. Saved is one of those Christian "buzz" words, part of the language. And, as I look back on it today, there's an enormous amount of humor in it. Regardless, it was my conversion, I remember it like yesterday and believe in it. From then on, it is a matter of wrestling with life.

SIN AND SINS

Sin is one of those wonderful but misunderstood words. When I read that someone has sinned, i. e., so and so is a sinner, I always say, "says who?" Jesus has the best metaphor: when asked by his enemies what should happen to a woman taken in adultery where the usual punishment was stoned until dead. He used the word sin--one of my favorite scenes, he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone. The completed picture to the story is when he says to her, "where are your accusers? Neither do I condemn you, "go and sin no more." Sin (actually sins) in this case was powerful and loving, not condemnatory. Jesus was the original renaissance man.

What few modern Christians understand is the basic difference in sin and sins. Sin is really the mystery of what Jesus did for us on the cross. And, it is all that surrounds the mystery: the language of religion: saved, redemption, blood, all of it. And, the conversion is when we accept what He did: the suffering, the dying on the cross, and the Easter message of His life--the resurrection--however it may be or however it may have happened is almost beside the point. And, in my faith, it never has to happen again. The sin is taken care of forever--you accept.

The rest of life is lived in dealing with the "sins" the living in the flesh. It is part of being human, whatever that may be. And, every single individual has to deal with the handling of the sins on his/her own. That is faith. Sometimes we fail, sometimes we get it, sometimes we don't. And, then of course, there are all the beliefs surrounding that: heaven, hell, etc.; part of the faith is believing in all of it regardless of how illogical it might sound. It is faith.

INTERFAITH LOGIC

I've never been much for interfaith meanderings. It doesn't do anything for me personally. People can believe what they want and as a buddy of mine once jokingly said to me, "don't say God bless you. Say,'may the God of your choice bless you.' " Well, I don't believe in all these faiths and that we are going to be OK. I am a Christian, I am comfortable in my faith. I don't know about these other people. I don't know what their fate in life is and it is not my job to find out. I don't have any doubts into the claims of my faith. So, there you have it. A last thing: my basic mantra about Christianity is that it is at its core, a faith of peace. Jesus constantly talked about peace. When he said, I have not come to give y ou peace but a sword. To me, he was talking personal, no doubt about it, the dealing with the flesh and wrestling with sins. The most violet thing He ever did was throw the money changers out of the temple. "I will not have you making my father's house a den of thieves. I like it. God bless you.